We all have things in life that make us happy, or make us grateful, or make us think. We have things that make us sad as things that make us regret.
Regret.
They say that we shouldn’t regret anything, that the things we do either good or bad shape us and make us who we are. While I believe in the latter part of that statement, I don’t think it’s impossible to be proud of or to accept who we are while still regretting some certain decisions or actions we made in the past.
There are a lot of things I regret in my life, some more recent than others, but I think that it’s also not impossible to regret certain things without also being glad that you did them or that they happened. Had I not shoplifted recently, and had I not been cocky or hasty in trying to get away for example, I wouldn’t have been caught and I wouldn’t have learned anything. I was at a tipping point where I was about to become much, much worse. And while I regret the actions I took on that particular day and the hell I only put myself through because of those actions, I am still grateful that it happened.
I’m getting better every day now. I go for up to four days at a time now without drinking and while I miss it somewhat, I’m not a slave to it anymore. I just stay up late and drink coffee and play videogames or fight with software on my computer or phone instead of drinking.
I am drinking tonight, because I’ve been anticipating it at least a little every day since the last time. But tonight I feel different. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting used to going without and tonight somehow feels special because of that, but I like to think it’s because from 4am this morning I decided that today I was going to start re-watching Veronica Mars. So I did. This afternoon when I got home, after I set up my casserole to start cooking, I opened up Windows Media Player (don’t judge me) and started watching from the beginning again. And it’s put me in mind of some things.
Life is a struggle – no matter who you are or what you’re doing, you’re always struggling with something. It’s a fact. I struggle with alcoholism and depression and admitting I may or may not like some Lady Gaga songs. You might struggle with going to bed early enough that you don’t feel like shit in the morning, or paying your parking tickets on time, or admitting that you may or may not like some Taylor Swift songs. Or maybe your dad was sheriff of a small town and accused a man of murdering his own daughter and now you struggle with living in said small town going to school with rich kids who all hate you because of what your dad said eight months ago. Whatever it is you’re struggling with, you’re not alone. We all struggle.
Veronica has taught me a lot. It’s hard to quantify or explain quite what I’ve learned from watching her, but part of it is just what I learned about myself through using the show as a means of coping. When I went through the breakup with my ex in 2012, one of my most favourite ways to escape was to watch episode after episode of Veronica Mars; to laugh and cry with her, to get invested in the characters and care when they were mad at Veronica or when someone came to her for help, and to revel with her in her triumphs. My other most favourite way to escape was to play Mass Effect, but that’s really only because of Miranda and her… assets…
Though of course the story and other Mass Effect characters helped too!
But I digress. Drinking alcohol, and smoking marijuana before it, has been a coping mechanism for me for a long time. I guess my point here is that there are a lot of different ways to cope with struggles in life, alcohol and drug use are just some of the easiest ones. But there are better ways.
There isn’t a major point I wanted to get across here, I really just wanted to talk about some things that I like and point out that all is not lost no matter how hopeless you feel sometimes. I have been to some pretty dark places in my short life, but I don’t resent them. Some of them I regret, some I don’t. All in all, though, I like my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything or anyone else’s. Okay well maybe I’d trade with Taylor, but in saying that I love her too much to put her through what I’ve been through so really I wouldn’t.
drowning dry 
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