Weird

So tonight and for the rest of the week I am staying with some friends in Wellington. This I suppose isn’t unusual for some, but in my current life it is. I have a very immediate need to understand what is expected or needed of me in this situation and I just don’t get it, and I’m freaking out.

See I have spent the last two years more-or-less alone. Sure I lived in a flat with other people for nearly a year and I currently live in a backpacker hostel filled with tourists/crazy people, but in both of those situations I had/have the ability to filter and to be totally alone at any moment if I really need(ed) to be. And suddenly I am without that filter. It frightens me, it confuses me and it just downright doesn’t compute.

Maybe I’m overthinking things (gosh! me overthinking things?!) because we literally had a conversation earlier about how I am not to ask if I want a coffee or a sandwich and to just help myself, and they told me how half the reason I am even here is because they wanted to help by getting me away for a bit and giving me a chance to relax and unwind. But that conversation itself dug up more questions and fears for me.

I can’t relax. I don’t know how. I feel like the only way I could relax is not to be around more people but less, but at the same time that seems insane because I never see anyone. I don’t know where I am at at all these days and I’m scared. I’m scared especially because I think that the drugs my doctor prescribed me for my depression are making me worse. I’m scared because if that is the case then where do I go from here? I can’t stop taking them now, but I asked for this I literally asked for my doctor to give me antidepressants and she did. I’m scared because the reason I wanted the antidepressants in the first place was to get off of alcohol, but if I’m getting worse because of the antidepressants then where does that leave me? Do I take a different drug instead that might help? Do I continue on as I am and hope somehow counselling will help? Do I go off this awful drug cold turkey and pray that my new-found resolve to quit the booze doesn’t disappear from my blood-stream with it?

I know the medication I’m on isn’t right for me, or at least with my alcohol intake it isn’t working right. I used to only get panic attacks very infrequently, but I have had more than I’d care to count since I started on Citalopram. None at first, but they have gotten progressively worse. A few days ago I had the worst one I’ve ever had simply because I suddenly realised I was a few feet away from a cellphone tower. I wanted so badly to get away from it but I couldn’t even run because I was so tensed up.

God at this point I can’t tell if I’m just being dramatic or what, sometimes I’m not sure if I’m remembering things correctly. I mean I know I am, but I don’t… if that makes sense? I wish I could write with more clarity right now but I can’t so I think it’s best that I go to bed. It’s 1am and I’m wide awake though so we’ll see where that gets me.

Marshmallow

You know what they say…

We all have things in life that make us happy, or make us grateful, or make us think. We have things that make us sad as things that make us regret.

Regret.

They say that we shouldn’t regret anything, that the things we do either good or bad shape us and make us who we are. While I believe in the latter part of that statement, I don’t think it’s impossible to be proud of or to accept who we are while still regretting some certain decisions or actions we made in the past.

Go to hell, Robbie.

There are a lot of things I regret in my life, some more recent than others, but I think that it’s also not impossible to regret certain things without also being glad that you did them or that they happened. Had I not shoplifted recently, and had I not been cocky or hasty in trying to get away for example, I wouldn’t have been caught and I wouldn’t have learned anything. I was at a tipping point where I was about to become much, much worse. And while I regret the actions I took on that particular day and the hell I only put myself through because of those actions, I am still grateful that it happened.

I’m getting better every day now. I go for up to four days at a time now without drinking and while I miss it somewhat, I’m not a slave to it anymore. I just stay up late and drink coffee and play videogames or fight with software on my computer or phone instead of drinking.

Fighting with software: Made easier by Sn0wbreeze!

I am drinking tonight, because I’ve been anticipating it at least a little every day since the last time. But tonight I feel different. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting used to going without and tonight somehow feels special because of that, but I like to think it’s because from 4am this morning I decided that today I was going to start re-watching Veronica Mars. So I did. This afternoon when I got home, after I set up my casserole to start cooking, I opened up Windows Media Player (don’t judge me) and started watching from the beginning again. And it’s put me in mind of some things.

Life is a struggle – no matter who you are or what you’re doing, you’re always struggling with something. It’s a fact. I struggle with alcoholism and depression and admitting I may or may not like some Lady Gaga songs. You might struggle with going to bed early enough that you don’t feel like shit in the morning, or paying your parking tickets on time, or admitting that you may or may not like some Taylor Swift songs. Or maybe your dad was sheriff of a small town and accused a man of murdering his own daughter and now you struggle with living in said small town going to school with rich kids who all hate you because of what your dad said eight months ago. Whatever it is you’re struggling with, you’re not alone. We all struggle.

Please?

Veronica has taught me a lot. It’s hard to quantify or explain quite what I’ve learned from watching her, but part of it is just what I learned about myself through using the show as a means of coping. When I went through the breakup with my ex in 2012, one of my most favourite ways to escape was to watch episode after episode of Veronica Mars; to laugh and cry with her, to get invested in the characters and care when they were mad at Veronica or when someone came to her for help, and to revel with her in her triumphs. My other most favourite way to escape was to play Mass Effect, but that’s really only because of Miranda and her… assets…

This is the most SFW image I could find.

Though of course the story and other Mass Effect characters helped too!

Just please don’t google this guy along with the term “Laser Time”. Please. For your own safety.

But I digress. Drinking alcohol, and smoking marijuana before it, has been a coping mechanism for me for a long time. I guess my point here is that there are a lot of different ways to cope with struggles in life, alcohol and drug use are just some of the easiest ones. But there are better ways.

There isn’t a major point I wanted to get across here, I really just wanted to talk about some things that I like and point out that all is not lost no matter how hopeless you feel sometimes. I have been to some pretty dark places in my short life, but I don’t resent them. Some of them I regret, some I don’t. All in all, though, I like my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything or anyone else’s. Okay well maybe I’d trade with Taylor, but in saying that I love her too much to put her through what I’ve been through so really I wouldn’t.

Hey, you guys want some casserole?

Outcomes and Looking to the Future

Yesterday I stood in court for the first time since 2005 when I was arrested and charged for possession of cannabis as a stupid, depressed kid. But I don’t remember it being this terrifying.

Okay, so not quite this terrifying, either.

The judge walked in, everyone stood and then everyone sat. And almost immediately my name was called. I felt a mixture of “oh shit” but also “thank god this is going to be over quickly.” I had no idea what I was supposed to do, so a woman politely showed me to the place where you’re supposed to stand (I forgot the name). A woman read my case to the judge and courtroom. I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was going to pass out. The lawyer appointed to me stood and told the judge that I had said I would like to be referred to treatment for my alcoholism. I started to shake – any second now that man up there is going to send me to prison, I just know it. Time stood still. Then the judge said exactly the words I wanted to hear. He was going to sentence me to supervision, and I would be required to attend alcohol and drug counselling. But then he continued and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. He said, “I am also sentencing you to…” and all I heard was “three months prison,” but the actual words that came out were something like “forty hours of community service, which is the minimum penalty allowed by law.” I nearly fell over I was so relieved. I wanted to shout “THANK YOU SO MUCH!” But instead I just stood there, rediscovering my ability to breathe.

Ohhh yeah, that’s right!

A few more things were said, and then I was lead to a small cell downstairs where I would be held for I’m not sure what reason. At first when I saw the cell, I panicked, but then as I realised they weren’t going to take my things I calmed down. I don’t know how long I was in the cell because I didn’t care, I had my glasses on. And I was on Twitter the entire time.

I was let out and given some paperwork to take to the probation office, which I did immediately. And then I sat in the probation office for about an hour and a half looking at more paperwork and having the rules and some common sense explained to me. All I could think the whole time was “I’m going to be okay.” Afterwards I immediately went to Work & Income and asked to make some appointments, one for a Jobseeker seminar and an actual case manager appointment. They had a seminar available to join in just forty minutes from when I arrived so I took it. It was an hour and a quarter long.

I did a lot of waiting and listening and reading yesterday, but by the end of it all I felt was relieved. At least until I tried to sleep last night. It was then that I realised I literally only just took the first step. And as I said to a friend when we were talking about all this last night, while I know I dodged a bullet, I also know that there are plenty more bullets in the clip. I have a long ways to go.

Whoosh! …what?

My experience in court yesterday taught me something though. It taught me that while there are a lot of people who don’t understand alcoholism, like depression or anxiety or other mental illness, and think that you can just get over it. But if that was the case, and I really could just get over this, then why would a judge in court take less than ten minutes to review my case and say “Here’s the help you need, now bugger off. And by the way don’t steal again.” There is more understanding out there than I realised. Still, not enough I think, but more than you know. If you or someone you know suffers from alcoholism, help them get the help they need. They can be helped, if they want to be.

I want to be helped, and I will be helped. I’m going to get a little better every day from now on into the future.

Though hopefully not this future.

Thank you for reading. ❤

I’ve made a huge mistake

So you could say I’ve “figured out” why the box my medication comes in has a sticker on it that says “Do not stop taking this medicine without consulting your doctor.”

I’ve always thought that Hydrobro would be a really cool name for a Pokémon. Geodude’s water-type cousin maybe.

I recently forgot to take my medication for three days straight. On the third day I was feeling rather strange and I suddenly realised what was wrong with me so I just started taking it again – no big deal. But then a few days later I forgot again, this time for four days straight. That’s when things got really weird. It’s really difficult to describe the way my head began to feel, but in my gut I felt disgusting. So I said something along the lines of “Holyshitfuckballery this is terrible!” and started taking it again. Only this time I can only assume that it had gone completely out of my system now, so I probably shouldn’t have started immediately taking a full tablet again. But I did. And it was the worst. It still is a little. But I feel a shit-ton better than I did this morning.

So I should explain, for those who don’t know, what citalopram actually is. It’s an antidepressant and an antianxiety medication. You can click on the name for more detailed information if you like (I was going to post the Medsafe datasheet, but turns out that’s frightening). Now when you withdraw from this sort of medicine, some pretty funny stuff can start happening to you. And by funny I mean terrifying. For some people different things happen, but for me it went from an antianxiety medication to a MEGAANXIETY MEDICATION. Everything freaked me out. The other day at work someone shone a laser pointer at me and I thought I was having a stroke. This morning I saw a bird flying vaguely in my direction and jumped out of my seat. All day today I just felt like something absolutely awful was constantly about to happen. Three times someone came up behind me without saying anything and I shat myself every time.

Shut UP MARVIN!

Another thing I suppose I should explain is how I managed to forget to take my pill. See, as this blog is about alcoholism too, you might have guessed that I drink a lot (if you have been reading along since I started, you’ll have a fair idea how much), so you’d pretty much assume that I often feel like crap in the morning and sometimes it lasts a fair bit of the day depending on how the previous night went. So I guess I just didn’t notice the side-effects at first, and being in a hurry to get to work and such, I just plain forgot to take a pill with me. I’d often intend to take one later, but I’m so used to taking it in the morning it just didn’t occur to me again.

Luckily, my mood seems to have stabilised fairly well and fairly quickly. I started taking the pills again two days ago, though I didn’t take one yesterday as I just felt too awful to stomach it. I took one this morning though because by that point I just didn’t know what else to do – I was losing my mind, and trust me, when you really do start to lose your mind it is not much fun.

I’m sure, at this point, if you’ve been following my blog for a while then you’ll no doubt have guessed that I’ve listened to a TON of Taylor Swift music in the last two weeks or so. Now, this time I’m not preaching… not exactly. But I think it’s crucial to mention that I honestly don’t think I could have survived my recent freak-outs and misery without her in my life. I know that probably sounds a mite ridiculous, but listen: whenever there is trouble in your life, the most important thing is that you have something to hold onto. And it doesn’t matter what that thing is, as long as, to you, it is worth holding onto. Well at least that’s what I think. And Taylor has, while obviously not in any real physical or personal sense, been there for me. Whenever I needed her. I get photos of her in my Facebook feed and I have her music on my phone, whenever I need her. I recently joked on Facebook, saying this must be how Christians feel, but I think it is kind of true. Having something that I am just so passionate about, and using that passion to literally save my own life. I think that means something, even if Christians themselves (or anyone else for that matter) think I’m being ridiculous saying something like that.

But my Goddess, just look at her!

Okay, of COURSE I consider my family and friends worth holding onto, PLEASE don’t get me wrong! For someone who doesn’t or hasn’t suffered from depression, what I just said might come across as uncaring and sounding like “I care about Taylor Swift more than literally anything”, and I’m sorry but I don’t really have an explanation for you. Of course that succinct statement isn’t true – I’d give her up in an instant to save the life of a friend or family member. I’m not THAT close to being a Christian. But I have feelings, and those feelings matter to me, and it’s those feelings that I want to hold onto. It would absolutely break my heart to give up those feelings.

I know it’s because of the medication withdrawal, but yesterday, now I think about it, I actually had a positive panic attack, if such a thing exists. My mum texted me and told me that a radio station is doing a contest to win a pass for two to go to a meet-and-greet with Taylor Swift, and they’ll be announcing the details of the contest on Monday morning at 7:25am. I freaked. This is pretty much the conversation I immediately had with myself: “Oh my god. Oh my god I have to be up! Oh my god I don’t have a radio! Fuck my life I don’t have a radio! Wait, okay, okay, I can listen online… WHAT IF I DON’T WAKE UP IN TIME AND MISS IT?! No, no, it’s okay. You were up for the Xbox reveal, you’ll be awake for this. WHAT IF I WIN OH GOD WHAT IF I WIN I WILL DIE.”

“What if I win. I will die.” – irrational thought at it’s finest.

In closing, I will leave you with this wonderful clip of Taylor covering ‘Lose Yourself’ by Eminem. Also, if you’re a Christian and you made it this far without getting mad, thank you. And I’m sorry.

Medicated states

I know I said I was working on a post about going sober for 48 to 72 hours, but I’m sort of at a loss on how to continue at the moment so this post will have to suffice until then.

“Pills here!”

When I say medicated states, I’m talking about really any state in which you feel yourself that you wouldn’t class as “normal”. I’m talking tired, buzzed off of caffeine, withdrawing or catching up from anti-depressants, hangovers, being drunk and a couple of others. I use the term medicated, despite the fact that some of these aren’t technically related, because it’s the closest term I could come up with to describe the feelings I wanted to talk about.

Right now, I’m feeling tired. But not that kind of tired where you just feel lethargic and maybe have heavy eyelids. I mean the kind you feel after you wake up having not had quite enough sleep, or a rough sleep. I don’t know why, but on the way to the library today it just occurred to me that there are actually very few times where I don’t feel out of sorts. Especially since I started taking citalopram.

As an alcoholic, a lot of the time I have a hangover in the mornings, which is four or usually five nights out of the week. To help with it, I drink coffee and/or energy drinks, so when the hangover is gone I feel slightly buzzed instead. And on the days where I didn’t drink, I get less sleep – usually about four hours – so I feel tired and groggy. The rest of the time I am transitioning between what I would describe as a “normal” state, and a bunch of other weird states. Some days when I forget to take my citalopram I feel light-headed and confused, or if I’ve been a couple days without and then take it I feel a little high and somehow more self-aware than usual. Those days are when milk tastes the best too, for some reason, which I find really strange. And then there are the days that I spend in the library. I don’t know what it is about the library, maybe the lighting, but after a few hours inside I always walk out feeling a little… odd. A lot of the different ways I find myself feeling are really difficult to describe, but I’m constantly noticing differences.

This image accurately describes how I feel right now.

As I write this, I’m reminded of when I was between the ages of 16 and 24. I was going to say “when I was growing up”, but then I realised that’s still happening… Anyway, it was the time when I was still trying “new things”, like cough medicine, party pills and the like. I remember the weird feelings those things would give me. I don’t miss them at all, I just sometimes wonder what life would be like if I’d never done them. Would I still get these weird feelings nowadays if I hadn’t? Maybe, I’ll never know. I just find it interesting to think about.

I’d really like to hear from you, the reader, if you know what I’m talking about. Any strange day-to-day feelings you get that you can’t explain, or have trouble explaining. Please feel free to comment here, anonymously if you prefer. I’d just like some feedback on this as it’s not really something I’ve ever discussed with anyone before. You can tweet at me @kitatojirin or email me at kitatojirin@outlook.com too. I’d really appreciate it!

To all of you who read this. Seriously. You make it all worth it.