I fuckin’ hate this time of year. The last three have been fucking terrible and this one is shaping up to be pretty much more of the same. It’s not always that something particularly bad happens, though sometimes it is, but more that I just naturally become way more depressed than I am throughout the rest of the year. I fucking hate it.
If you follow me on twitter, you’ll know that I recently started a new job and am loving it so far, so there’s a positive for sure, but you’ll also probably know that slightly less recently I pretty much had a major psychological breakdown – I basically live-tweeted it – so I’m clearly not in the greatest mental state right now. That’s because I’m always this way in winter, and it doesn’t take a lot to set me off. This year it was the UCSB/Elliot Rodger shooting and subsequent out-pouring of womens horrific experiences with men, last year it was the death of internet hero David Dreger, the year before that it was a really bad breakup between me and my long-time, long-distance girlfriend. You’d be right if you said those things are obviously going to upset someone, but I wasn’t kidding when I said it doesn’t take much to set me off – that means BIG things are really, really bad news. I recovered from my “breakdown” a couple weeks ago pretty quickly, but it’s still there, lingering. And coupled with my new-found irrational fear of large radio transmitters like cell towers (see: everywhere), I’d say I’m basically teetering on the edge of something and I so don’t want to look down. And that brings me to the down-side of this new job that I love – I can’t even mention any of this. Obviously I wouldn’t accost these strangers I’m working with and tell them my life story (hello, strangers on the internet tho), but if mental health or things related comes up in conversation, well I’ll just have to keep my fucking mouth shut or I could ruin my chances of becoming anything more than “crew” in this place and I’ll have to start all over again somewhere else. It’s just unwelcome extra pressure, really, but I’m feeling it and I’ve only done three shifts there so far. Who knows how much harder or easier this will get. I’m trying to stay positive about it (I love you, twitter tweeps, srsly) but I’ve already explained how much this time of year already automatically sucks for me, so it’s hard.
Another thing that hasn’t made life very easy for me in the last few years is that I’m finding it increasingly difficult to closely relate to people. As it stands, I can think of two people I can reliably call on the phone to talk to about whatever. I don’t blame anyone but myself for that, I’ve just obviously failed to maintain any friendships I had but I don’t even know what I did wrong – oh yeah, I shut everyone out, that’s what. Usually in favour of alcohol, or because when people want to hang out they often also want to drink, and it just always seemed to be right when I was trying not to. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t say I don’t have any friends. It’s just that I don’t have any that would come running if I needed someone. Which kind of sucks because I would do anything for my friends, but I guess people just need more than “just in case promises” to be interested in staying close friends. I guess I just don’t ‘people’ well. I often joke that I don’t like people, but it’s kind of true. There are some people that I like, though, and the people I like I usually like a whole lot – I just can never figure out how to get closer to those people and be good friends with without seeming weird or creepy, and doubly so for women as I tend to get along really well with women but then they usually end up assuming I want to sleep with them. Great job on that humanity, by the way, thanks.
Confident, intelligent, “not a bad looking guy”. These are things people have used to describe me a few times in the past. Funny. That’s another one. But also it’s funny that people say these things because I never know how to reply. And it’s even funnier that I already feel that way about myself, but I’m somehow able to also doublethink the opposite too.
I know I’m good at this job. “But what if I screw up?”
I write well, have an eye for detail and learn fast. “Fucking moron, can’t even get a retail job.”
I like the way I look. *looks closer* “Ugly fuck, look at those teeth and that monobrow. Shave.”
I like that I feel things, that I’m empathetic to others and I’m able to swoon so hard over things like Taylor Swift and her music or Frozen, but christ I’m tired of the intensity. I feel like I have literally the worlds shittiest super-power. If I ever learn to control fire or bend metal with my mind, watch out though. Seriously. The only good thing about this kind of intensity is when it’s pointed at love, but so far that’s only worked out for the worse for me too. To feel with this amount of intensity is as much a curse as it is a blessing.
Fuck this, I’m going to go watch Frozen again and cry. Because even a movie titled “Frozen” has an underlying theme of “fuck winter”, and that seems appropriate. Thanks for reading.