Marshmallow

You know what they say…

We all have things in life that make us happy, or make us grateful, or make us think. We have things that make us sad as things that make us regret.

Regret.

They say that we shouldn’t regret anything, that the things we do either good or bad shape us and make us who we are. While I believe in the latter part of that statement, I don’t think it’s impossible to be proud of or to accept who we are while still regretting some certain decisions or actions we made in the past.

Go to hell, Robbie.

There are a lot of things I regret in my life, some more recent than others, but I think that it’s also not impossible to regret certain things without also being glad that you did them or that they happened. Had I not shoplifted recently, and had I not been cocky or hasty in trying to get away for example, I wouldn’t have been caught and I wouldn’t have learned anything. I was at a tipping point where I was about to become much, much worse. And while I regret the actions I took on that particular day and the hell I only put myself through because of those actions, I am still grateful that it happened.

I’m getting better every day now. I go for up to four days at a time now without drinking and while I miss it somewhat, I’m not a slave to it anymore. I just stay up late and drink coffee and play videogames or fight with software on my computer or phone instead of drinking.

Fighting with software: Made easier by Sn0wbreeze!

I am drinking tonight, because I’ve been anticipating it at least a little every day since the last time. But tonight I feel different. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting used to going without and tonight somehow feels special because of that, but I like to think it’s because from 4am this morning I decided that today I was going to start re-watching Veronica Mars. So I did. This afternoon when I got home, after I set up my casserole to start cooking, I opened up Windows Media Player (don’t judge me) and started watching from the beginning again. And it’s put me in mind of some things.

Life is a struggle – no matter who you are or what you’re doing, you’re always struggling with something. It’s a fact. I struggle with alcoholism and depression and admitting I may or may not like some Lady Gaga songs. You might struggle with going to bed early enough that you don’t feel like shit in the morning, or paying your parking tickets on time, or admitting that you may or may not like some Taylor Swift songs. Or maybe your dad was sheriff of a small town and accused a man of murdering his own daughter and now you struggle with living in said small town going to school with rich kids who all hate you because of what your dad said eight months ago. Whatever it is you’re struggling with, you’re not alone. We all struggle.

Please?

Veronica has taught me a lot. It’s hard to quantify or explain quite what I’ve learned from watching her, but part of it is just what I learned about myself through using the show as a means of coping. When I went through the breakup with my ex in 2012, one of my most favourite ways to escape was to watch episode after episode of Veronica Mars; to laugh and cry with her, to get invested in the characters and care when they were mad at Veronica or when someone came to her for help, and to revel with her in her triumphs. My other most favourite way to escape was to play Mass Effect, but that’s really only because of Miranda and her… assets…

This is the most SFW image I could find.

Though of course the story and other Mass Effect characters helped too!

Just please don’t google this guy along with the term “Laser Time”. Please. For your own safety.

But I digress. Drinking alcohol, and smoking marijuana before it, has been a coping mechanism for me for a long time. I guess my point here is that there are a lot of different ways to cope with struggles in life, alcohol and drug use are just some of the easiest ones. But there are better ways.

There isn’t a major point I wanted to get across here, I really just wanted to talk about some things that I like and point out that all is not lost no matter how hopeless you feel sometimes. I have been to some pretty dark places in my short life, but I don’t resent them. Some of them I regret, some I don’t. All in all, though, I like my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything or anyone else’s. Okay well maybe I’d trade with Taylor, but in saying that I love her too much to put her through what I’ve been through so really I wouldn’t.

Hey, you guys want some casserole?

Chattiness… while drunk

One of the problems I face with my alcoholism is that when I drink, I have a VERY short term memory. But a selective short term memory. Not selected by me, I might add – at least not consciously. And what makes it worse is that I get chatty when I’ve been drinking, and say a lot… and then forget I said it. Sometimes I remember something I said later but forget what I said earlier, if that makes sense. I seem to just forget things at random. Sometimes I wonder if I actually have a standard moving-parts hard drive for a brain and it doesn’t like being shaken, or maybe I just have bad RAM, who knows? Anyway, I’ve been drinking tonight (not that much yet, mind) so this could get interesting.

When I spend a night sober, all I do is lay in bed and look up Cracked.com articles on my phone occasionally rolling from the right to the left to plug the phone in so it doesn’t die and deprive me of my only human contact, then when it’s back up to 40% I roll back to the right because it’s more comfortable and I have roughly 25 minutes before I have to roll left again. Okay, so I also look up YouTube videos and read about upcoming video games and daydream about expensive electronics I’d like to own, too. But I somehow am not myself. Or maybe I am? Which is kind of sad… I hope one day that I can be the kind of person who can do a “night time” without alcohol. That being said, if I’m at work? Nothing changes and I feel fine. I’m doing my job and I feel perfectly normal! But when it comes to being at home, alone, at night… I get… bored. But more than bored. I get antsy. But this isn’t about ‘Sober Baden’, this is about ‘Drunk Baden’.

See the major difference between SB and DB (previously noted as Sober Baden and Drunk Baden) is that DB is far more willing to talk to anyone and everyone about his feelings and/or problems. And this, in itself, is a problem. He is chatty, sometimes but not usually aggressive, and just will say whatever comes to his head. SB can be this way, but only EVER in private company with someone he trusts. What I wonder is why? I mean, it’s always been this way with me, even as a teen. I don’t even know the number of times (which might be few, or might be many) that I’ve been way too honest with the wrong person because of alcohol.

When I was about fifteen or sixteen, I thought that I might maybe be bisexual. I don’t know why I thought that, because to this day I don’t remember ever actually being attracted to any man, and I’ve always been fascinated by women… for a time I even wanted to be one. Oh. Maybe that’s why? Anyway, at the time I had a really good friend and for the sake of confidence I will call him Grendel because as far as I know I’ve never actually met a Grendel. I also had a “good friend” called Rachel at the time, and I decided to tell her a secret. Over PC instant messaging. I asked her to keep it a secret, and she agreed… in a room full of other “friends” who could see the monitor, as it later turned out. I told her that I thought I might be in love with Grendel, and I don’t exactly remember her response at the time, but I soon found out that she was totally full of shit when she promised to keep it a secret. My point is, I was drunk when this conversation happened and I, as is almost always the case, was at the time overthinking the relationship between Grendel and I. We liked a lot of the same things, we hung out a lot as normal 15-year-old dudes. I never once looked at him in a sexual way, but I was a confused teenager and I was drunk. I said what I thought was appropriate at the time, and it bit me in the ass. So to speak.

That was a long time ago, so I don’t mind bringing it up. I seriously doubt that anyone reading this was there or will remember. But the point is that not much has changed insofar as when I drink, I say things I shouldn’t. I’m sure there’s an old adage about that that I could quote, but I’m drunk so I don’t remember it. Regardless, the reason why I recently abandoned Twitter is closely related to this. As is why I try to shy away from the internet whenever I’m drunk, other than to watch Taylor Swift music videos and read Cracked.com articles that I won’t remember reading, and occasionally write a blog post.

Something that I started doing in the last three months or so is calling people on the phone, or messaging them on Facebook, when I’ve been drinking. I know it sounds awful already, but the thing is I never call to talk nasty to or about anyone… I’m just lonely and want someone to talk to. But what’s weird about that, at least to me, is that I get lonely all the time… so why do I only ever want to talk to someone when I’ve been drinking? And I don’t have the answer, I just think it’s odd. Especially considering that when I talk to people while drunk, I never want to talk about my problems… I just want to have a conversation. I cringe when they ask me what’s wrong – I’d rather not discuss it because in the moment, nothing is wrong, I just want to talk. But when I’m sober, and things are most bothering me, I don’t want to talk to anyone. Though I should point out that I have NO problem talking to my counsellor while sober, and I’ll tell her anything… in fact if I ever went to see her while drunk I would feel the exact opposite. Isn’t that strange? I don’t know, but I think so.

I recently had a conversation with a man at Lifeline which lasted around 45 minutes (even though their normal limit is 15-30) which had absolutely nothing to do with anxiety or depression or alcoholism except for the first five minutes where I told him I didn’t want to talk about those things. A man I’ve never met, and probably never will meet again, and in minutes I found something to talk about for forty-fucking-minutes with him. While I was drunk. Had I been sober, that conversation wouldn’t have lasted the first five, I think.

I guess the point of this post is… alcohol really opens me up to people, so, I guess, how do I capture that feeling… without alcohol?

Bonus post: A durnk post.

A bottle down, another bottle and a half to go. A full ashtray to my right, lit slightly blue by the glow of my TV. I’m home alone, listening to a podcast about comic books, and kind of wondering… “What’s the point?”

This is most of my nights. When I get drunk these days, I can’t really be bothered to do much. I don’t go out unless I have to, I don’t even play video games because for some reason I feel like they’ll sober me up and that kind of scares me. Never mind that I just find myself incapable of playing them because they take too much concentration. I’d rather watch a dumb action movie that doesn’t need too much attention, of listen to a comedic podcast. I don’t usually get depressed, I just get really, really bored.

Yes, yes it does.

I like to think a lot too, while drinking. Of course my thoughts aren’t super clear, but I tend to think very differently and about different things when I’m drunk. I guess that’s one of the myriad reasons why I find it so hard to cut down – I genuinely like the way it feels to be drunk, especially alone with my thoughts. Usually. Sometimes it’s bad, but in general it really is an issue of self-medication.

I like to talk to people when I’m drunk, especially on the phone. I often call people when I have minutes, or I ask my mum or dad or certain friends to call me just to talk about whatever. I message people on Facebook just to chat about random stuff, just to feel not quite so lonely. I’m not sad when I do that though. Usually if I’m unhappy, the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone.

The above was originally written (while drunk) on Sunday 15 September 2013. It was since edited to be intelligible and slightly more coherent, but the content was not changed. Well, except for the image and the title. I’m not nearly that clever when I’m intoxicated.